thank you.

days that i once slept away
only to avoid the pain
now are bright inspite of rain
thanks to your sweet greetings
babe you turn things upside down
rightside up seems wrong
every moment i think of you
and im learning how to trust
killing the doubt that once i clung to
maybe you're just the anecdote
you alone can mend the
hurts so long inflicted
every word
a distant kiss
really, i can taste it
tell me again and again
i never will tire of hearing
now and always how you
eternally will love me
eventually will have me
destiny has tangled our
yearning, aching hearts
only time will tell
until then...i love you.

bitten

insecurities obliverated
a safety found
my resting place
hold me close
as i try so hard
to stifle these doubts
& to trust only you
only this
only us
together
or apart
whichever it may be
we will be
forever
because i can feel it
and i have always known
that when it bit me
it would sting
with a venom so
poisonous
impossible to mistake
for anything but the real thing
im in love.

swollen

it swells in me
consuming me
i cannot breathe
i cannot bear it
how i ache
how i have always ached
for your love
and i have worked for it
begged for it
bore bruises for it
that no matter how you sting me
i still love you
all i ever wanted
was to be your little girl
and you've left this gap
an emptiness
that leaves me longing
for what i can never have
so when i see it
when i so much as hear of it
i could cry for the need of it
nothing fills the hole you leave in me
it is not to be satiated
and its too late
im a little girl no longer
and you've shoved me too far away
im not strong enough
i am broken
i just wanted
needed you
to love me
and this pain
it swells in me
until i am overwhelmed








unwanted...

impatience

impatience
for someone who cant stand to wait
i seem to wait the longest
you say you'll be right back
and i sit there and wait
sometimes an hour
just watching the screen
in utter anticipation
and how many years have i waited
for this evasive dibs
and i wait and wait
and yet im the impatient one
maybe the reason i seem so impatient
is because im ALWAYS waiting
and im just tired of it
someday i want to stop
i want to just stop WAITING
and i dont think it has anything to do with
impatience.

truly

is it amazing

lately i just cant make it clear
often are the times i try
vigorously to show you
eventually ill succeed

happiness has found me
another day closer
yearning to be with you
daring to feel this way
even amidst insecurities
never to doubt you again

marked by imperfection you
accept me as i am
telling me that you love me
teaching me to trust
hearing when i cry to you
even when it burdens
with you i finally have
security

waffle

sometimes i just want to be left alone
and to my own sad devices
or rather, vices
that make me want to
just be left alone with them
i wish i could put a
'do not disturb' sign
on my forehead
do you think that would make it clear
if i dont answer, dont come
if i dont come, dont bother
because i can be so anti-social
for all the popularity you give me
and i just want to be left alone
to these imaginative vices
that grip me
and tie me down
and suck me into other worlds
and can you blame me
for enjoying the thrill of it
theres not even a pill for it
that can get me half so high
as this drug can
so sometimes
just leave me alone
because i prefer this cloud
to your reality

this is love.

an open wound
shake shake shake
in the salt
squeeze liberally
the lemon juice
and then press it together
until its torturous
this is love
this is what love feels like
and the worst part
is that he doesnt even know
he doesnt even get that it stings
that it burns and tears and
it breaks you down
until you arent even yourself
but someone who is constantly
GASPING
grasping for some kind of reassurance
that you haven't fallen alone
can two people ever connect
or is it the inevitable
that no matter what you do
you will always be alone
no matter how you're touched
or how you touch others
you are ALONE
and no one gets you
not even the one you love
who you know loves you
because he cant even understand
how he becomes the one person
who can be your ruin
and somewhere between the words
i love you
and
i love you too
you are destroyed.

tea leaf

it usually starts with a bet
and how men get powerful
i just dont know
but somehow things get so twisted
until you dont know who works for who
or what is even happening
oh with the witty retorts
everything
EVERYTHING is better
when said by a londoner
and we could shoot 'em
but we'd rather do something
HORRENDOUS
and in the end
we arent bad people
we just do bad things
and we do it well
and we do it for something
be it money
or honor
or respect
or because we're good at nothing else
but its always an adventure
not a romance
or even a horror
maybe a chuckle
over a pint and a smoke
but there's always a wad of quid
an expensive article
and a boss whose only real weapon
is the man he employs
to beat seven
shades
of
shit
outta ya
and the violence
it pumps the adrenaline
through your veins like a drug
and by the end
you're just in love
because thats what thieves do, really
we steal
mostly your hearts.

im a fool

i crave you
but like your cherry tobacco
i worry that your scent
is much more alluring than your taste
& you alone make my insides quiver
with this fascinating need
just to be touched by you
to be wanted by you
that i find myself doing stupid things
just to see if i can make you jealous
is it obvious?
for all my loathing of you
i have fallen in love
even when you say it clearly
that you love and want and need me
i question you
why am i always fighting it
fighting you
fighting us
maybe what i fear most of all
is being so content
that i no longer have to search
and that life will then be a bore
without the adventure
the chase
the thrill
of craving you

hello monstrosity

this hodgepodge
i try to dodge
just to be sucked in
mass mayhem
i just cant win
do i even want to
& its hectic
cant expect it
to ever settle down
this mishmash
a total hash
of feelings i have found
hello monstrosity
tangled in my heart
am i the only one who sees
it was disaster from the start

bastard

heaving
not breathing
fingers curling
arms attempting
to lift or hit
so heavy
not ready
its distant
but i feel it
you feeling me
kissing me
having me
while i lay there
wondering why
why cant i scream
or fight
eyelids wont lift
i feel you shift
and its done
but you dont stop
no no no
but nothing leaves me
crying
not dying
but wishing to
your hold
was like drowning
and i hate you
someday ill remember
how to breathe

paper tears

i wish i could cry
but i wish you wouldnt make me want to
i dont know why i cant
it seems like it should come easy
because im hurting
not just from the bruises
but my heart
it hurts and hurts
with every beat
and its agony
because i know that no one can see it
that no one wants to know it
and nothing heals it
everything all trapped inside of me
until i feel so suffocated
in my loneliness
that i just want to be touched
without having to wince
without being afraid that itll leave a bruise
or a scar
but im too afraid to try
to fall into the same nightmare
over and over
somebody save me
crave me
and leave no room for doubt
i just want to be loved...

empty talk

alleviate this
this burden
it gnaws at me
mocking me
weighing me down
with so much guilt
misplaced
until i cant even stand
or stand it
i shouldnt hide
or shy away
and i always tell myself
next time ill fight it
but next time never comes
only this time
this pain
cowering like a kitten
this is shameful
and you know that i cant
i cant fight you
i cant even talk about it
sometimes im caught
DEFENDING it
because i love you?
i hate you
i want to escape you
so just release me
and if i crash alone
theres a semblance of
dignity in my death
because i will have gotten there
on
my
own.
without you

captive

captivated
elated
i know its been stated
but im overwhelmed
compelled
put under a spell
bursting
and thirsting
for a taste of this yearning
fulfilled
so thrilled
to know its for real
and forever
much better
than being alone
even apart
he stops my stuttering heart
with a sentence
dont end it
& til death ill defend it
its real
and i feel
his lovely appeal
to me
cant you see
he is just what i need
and im captured.

fucking

fucking i love you
and i cant stop
no matter what i tell myself
in an ongoing argument
youre the one id kill for
die for
live for
take me just as i am
in everyway
own me please
i just want to serve you
and please you
appease you
because fucking i LOVE you
and love is not based on what you've done for me
but what i want to do for you
because this feeling inside is so
catastrophic
that i cant breathe unless i
ACT
fuck, just let me
let me love you
and love you like no one else ever will
i ask for NOTHING
and offer everything
just let me love you
adore you
in ways unfathomable to most
and know that its fucking real
and tangible
and unshaken
and unfuckingconditional
even when im wrecked
like right now
because fucking i love you

the tragedy

love is not tragic
its indescribable
inconceivable
unreasonable
intolerable
and nauseating
it keeps you awake at night
haunting your dreams
your thoughts
your every wondering
it hinders you
your ability to sleep
your will to eat
and as ill as it makes you
you cling to it
because once you have felt it
you cant imagine being without
you dont miss the things you forget
the eating and the sleeping
they were the mundane
replaced by the intriguing
what you dont know
consumes you
the restlessness
uneasinessso
a disaster, perhaps
but its the one worth experiencing
its what we long for
and wish for
and write about
and sing about
and wait our whole lives
to fall into
even if its nothing
but an entrapment
and we love it
so thats the tragedy